Have you ever heard of emotional hangover?

I actually thought I invented that term myself. 😀 emotional hangover. After a quick googling turned out that one form of social anxiety is often called emotional hangover or social hangover. (urban dictonary)

So here’s what happened this week..

After the boy’s birthday party I was happy. I wrote a blog post and told my husband that for once I felt good when thinking about that party. Everything had gone well. Everyone enjoyed themselves and I can easily forgive myself the little errors that happened. But the next day it hit me again.

Why did I serve those pastries that didn’t have enough filling? One cake was not moist enough and the paw patrol cake was ugly. The home made juice that I served for the kids was not good enough. Some people had to come to the kitchen to ask for more coffee and I didn’t notice immediately that coffee milk had finished. They must think that I’m a horrible host. I failed my son.

That really is how felt. Now it seems ridiculous. But I cried for two days over this.

It didn’t help that the boy seemed to love the party and kept talking about it in awe. That my husband said that guests did like the cakes and everything. He also said that no matter what they would have said I would have turned it into a negative. You know the “they didn’t really mean it” argument. At the end he said that I have been like this as long as he can remember. I didn’t understand. The boy turned three. We hadn’t had that many children’s parties. But…

We met when I was a freshman in the university. That year involved lots of student parties. Every time the morning after was horrible. Sometimes in a physical way but every time in an emotional way. Did I do something stupid? Did I say something stupid? They must have understood me wrong. Why did I have to say something to someone? Next time I’ll stay silent.

I started to stay more quiet. I stopped using alcohol. Friends started to talk behind my back and laugh at me about that. I started to hear rumors. What kind of freshman doesn’t drink and party? Someone even told me I was nicer when I was drunk. Eventually I stopped going to parties.

One character of phobia is that it affects your everyday life. Controls your choices.

Well, I didn’t go to student parties, I haven’t celebrated my birthdays (even when I turned 30), my graduations (I have two higher degrees) or had any house warming parties. I didn’t want to have a farewell party at work when I started my maternity leave. Actually, we even got married abroad and one reason was to avoid having a party. Avoid being the center of attention.

Now that I have kids I have to organize parties. I can’t get around it. And I do love it. That’s why this feels so contradictory. BEFORE the party I’m excited and happy and love the planning and doing part of it but AFTER the party I feel devastated. Even if all the guests are close friends and family members. Even if I told myself that if all my nightmares came true they still wouldn’t leave me.

What’s going on? Do I have some sort of party phobia? That would be a weird one. 😀 Now that I finally noticed this pattern I have to start working with it. I don’t know how yet but I’ll figure out something.

If anyone has experienced anything like this or has any tips, I would be happy to hear them!

Mannamaria

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